Chapter 1: They Love Me. They Really Love Me
"Millions of my sources – my dear, dear friends in the business (all of whom fear violent assassination by LBJ's stain - that leftist guerilla commando mafia nobody but I will tell you about) – have requested that I refrain from mentioning them by name. But they really really REALLY exist. So when I tell you something that a so-called 'anchorman' or quote-unquote 'Pulitzer Prize winner' liberal excluded from his news reporting, it's really really true. Really."
"I'm not gonna feed you some strange, wacked-out liberal line like, 'Evolution is compatible with Christianity,' 'the Bible may not be literally accurate,' or 'gays have rights too...' "
"Here's a news flash: before I sat down to pen this tome I'd never uttered the word 'Dan,' or 'Rather,' nor even the adverb 'rather.' In fact, before I wrote this book I used to call Dan 'Hank.' And I certainly had never put the two words 'Dan' and 'Rather' together, exclamation point."
"So when Festus, the toothless man from the park, spotted the blatant liberal bias in Dan's haircut, I knew I had to send something to the politically neutral Wall Street Journal..."
"I wondered, 'is Dan Rather really that paranoid?' " |
"After months of mulling it over, I realized what Rather was trying to tell me: liberals are not typically associated with military men! Only a wild imagination, like that of Dan's, could've spun my neutral and entirely unrelated comment ('Don't be a whining pussy crybaby liberal, Dan') into something so bizarre as 'you're not manly enough to have been a Paratrooper.' What a whining pussy crybaby liberal!" Chapter 2: Restraining Order, Shmestraining Order!
"I wondered, is Dan Rather really that paranoid? Does he actually think that other people pay so much damned attention to him? Indeed, what I wrote in my daily 'Dan Log' sums it up nicely: 'Why is it Dan actually believes we give a crap about him? Doesn't Dan know nobody thinks twice about him? What an ego!' The following morning, as I watched him through my telescope, Dan awoke at around 7:20 a.m. . . ."
"I got tens of letters from laymen, kudos from jillions of unnamed 60 Minutes Producers, and praise from the following list of over six journalists:Rush LimbaughMike GallagherBrit Hume..." ". . . one's a bloodsucking parasite and the other is a mouse-like creature with wings!!! Seriously though, I am for helping the dying; I do think slavery was a disagreeable idea; I did vote for various Democrats like George Wallace and David Duke; I'm still against lynching; and I do acknowledge that occasionally abortion is a necessary evil. In other words, I'm clearly not a conservative! I am a good, old-fashioned liberal. You know - like liberals used to be. Good, old-fashioned, Norman Rockwell liberals. Just like Barry Goldwater..."
Chapter 3: Scaredy-Cat Liberals
"I remember it well – I noticed it all the time. I can vividly recall remembering every time we told our audience that a pundit was conservative, but for some reason I can't remember noticing the times we identified the liberal pundits..."
 "Jennings would specifically point out that a congressman was – get this - a 'conservative.' Just like that! Yet strangely, he never identified the whiney, communist-lovin', pot-smokin', flowerpot-hugging liberals!"
"Although I actually have no figures to support my argument I know that I noticed a lot less coverage of the homeless situation beginning the day immediately after Clinton was inaugurated. It's absolutely true - I simply didn't notice as much coverage as I did before I started stalking Mr. Rather... "Chapter 4: Where the Queers and the Antelope Play
"Despite everything the, quote-unquote 'doctors,' and so-called 'medical experts' said, it became quite clear that AIDS was mostly just a gay thing. Too bad the liberal media actually listened to these wacky doctors; somehow we Americans fell for the "it may kill just as many heterosexuals" ruse. Too bad we paid more attention to the handful of heterosexual cases in remote places like Africa and Southeast Asia than we did to the billions of gay men littering the streets of San Francisco... "
"During the period of 26-29 November, 1974, a study showed that only 4% of the AIDS cases featured on news shows I remember noticing were homosexual men. The other 97% were straight, although in reality only 1% of AIDS cases worldwide involve non-Californians (except for in Africa and Southeast Asia, where I think it's two or three percent. Five, tops - I'm rounding up, obviously..."
"...networks like FOX have offered me the stories the bleeding liberals don't want us to know about" |
"So when CBS produced the callous TV movie 'The Killer Next Door' they single-handedly redefined America's perception of the 'typical' AIDS victim as a blonde, middle-class woman. Thousands of white, middle-class conservatives who pumped millions into research would have just as happily funded the studies if they'd not have been fooled by CBS into mistakenly thinking AIDS wasn't primarily a fag thing... ironically, all the funding these white conservative men funded cured the heterosexual version of AIDS, while the homo-AIDS is still out there, incurable as ever..."Chapter 5: Political Correctness - Why Burning Crosses is "Bad"
" 'Of course there's porch monkeys in the South. Of course there's spear-chuckin',  tar-baby monkeys in Mi'ssippi. This ain't no fuckin' goddamned motherfuckin' shit-heel goddamned muh-fucking Luxembourg!' " Doily exclaimed. His humble, down-home wit never stopped ceasing to amaze me..."
"But the bias is real. Not just the bad stuff I can remember noticing, not that these things were more memorable, it's just that I can't recall noticing a whole lot of good stuff, especially between January 1993 and January 2001 - when supposedly the press had to remain civilized when reporting stuff about President Clinton."
"I can't recall remembering or even noticing a single story about Clinton having an extra-marital affair. Can you?"
"So it's only natural that I should take this assignment of grandeur - I am obviously a microbe-sized David, one-in-a-trillion martyr, wild-eyed nonconformist battling a galaxy-sized Goliath that is the industry single-handedly run by Dan Rather..." "The only reason CBS didn't fire me is because they knew I would have been a hero to billions of Americans..."
"It's odd that I should tell you this, but too many Americans are worried about Jews and our sensitivity to negative stereotypes. In reality, we all rest comfortable knowing that the real heathens in this world are the greasy guinea-waps, all of whom, since before the days of Masada, have all been Corleone-wannabe Soprano-ite Tony Baggodonuts and Vinnie Cuppacoffees babykillers... None of this would matter, of course, if Dan Rather weren't so damned fallible... "
"We all know that affirmative action is a ploy brewed up by Lyndon Johnson's Wap-heavy mafia, designed to enable the dense and brainless few to excel past all the people who really really deserve stuff... and so I think we should all demand affirmative action for us conservative reporters!"Chapter 6: Scientific Studies
" The Dumas Center interviewed 37 journalists and found that 91% of them favored Arial over all other fonts. Yet these journalists' stories are supposedly equally legible and supposedly just as neutral in any newspaper font – is this not incredible when you think about it? How can these journalists believe their stories are so "accurate" if the newspapers that run them print in the Times New Roman, or – God forbid – the Courier font? "
" When Harry Smith regurgitated his evil and vitriolic comment 'some white guys are rude' I was incensed! How hypocritical! Someone has to stand up for the downtrodden white men of this nation, and I think it's about time we took this country back from the elitist minorities that only comprise 53% of this nation! Sadly, no one but I was willing to do it... "
"| Activity Name | Location | White Rank | Black Rank | | Golf | Country Club | 1 | 98* | | Boating | Yacht Club | 2 | 97 | | Watching WWF Wrestling | Trailers | 3 | 95 | | Activity Name | Location | White Rank | Black Rank | | Protesting "Racists" | Everywhere | 98 | 1 | | Eating Soul Food | Everywhere | 94 | 2 | | Listening to R&B Music | Everywhere | 8 | 3 |
Source: The Scabbyro Report, June 15-17, 1971
* For purposes of this report Tiger Woods - who's actually Asian - has been counted as a black man."
Chapter 7: Leftist Hate-Mongering Speech
" There's this guy who runs a web site here in Vienna, and every month or so he and his buddies send out their 'Commu-nist Shutup-List' – a report of all the really lowly progressive and open-minded comments journalists have been known to vomit. You would think that journalists would care what my friend and his buddies at this website have to say... But they don't! Anyway, here are some of the most evil quotes: 'Yes, the right-wing does have its share of extremists, and yes, these extremists are a little too concerned about Bill Clinton cheating on his wife...' Time contributor'...the lady whose accusations have never been substantiated, but who has appeared thrice on Jerry Springer's Show, was once poor, and grew up in a trailer.' Newsweek Bureau Chief 'What little liberal bias there is in news reporting, I can assure you we do everything in our power at CBS to keep it out... ' CBS Anchorman 'The American People were angry and reacted with the unforgiving resolve of a child - handing congress back to the Republicans.' ABC Anchorman 'Conservatism is inherently about maintaining the status quo. Liberalism is about accepting change' Charles Kuralt
On top of that, folks like Bonnie Erbe has actually quoted valid statistics to argue against pro-gun activists, and editorialists have actually expressed other-than-right-wing views during their so-called 'opinion pieces'! I'm utterly dumbfounded how no one is saying anything about this crap!!!"
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