The Only Wings We Have to Shear are Terror Itself
D.C. authorities assail terrorism by scaring thousands shitless.
F16s shoo kid's kite to a safe distance.
Photo by Ted Sampley
Wednesday afternoon a Pennsylvania teenager's kite came within eight miles of the White House. Secret Service personnel handled the situation with exceptional poise.
"It's all about transparency," Captain Charles Mumford told FOX News, adding, "we made sure not to alarm nonessential personnel."
Bric À BRAC Bait & Switch
"Rushmore Refinery" does have a nice ring to it.
Assuring naysayers there are no politics behind it, Donald Rumsfeld released his Base Realignment and Closure (BRAC) list Friday. "We're going to modernize and streamline the force," said the senile septuagenarian. "For
 The modern B-52  The obsolete B-1B |
Echoing the president's vision, the Defensive Secretary addressed concerns about potential financial fallout by suggesting closed bases could be converted into petroleum refineries. "Take Ellsworth (Air Force Base), for instance. Great googly gracious," exclaimed the dour despot, "I can't think of a more perfect spot for an oil refinery!"
South Dakotan Republicans couldn't agree more. The addition of an oil refinery to southwest South Dakota would be a boon to the economically sluggish region. "We all get bored looking at the same old, lifeless four presidents every day," complained Marvin Johnson of Rapid City. "But if there was smoke and fire coming out of Teddy Roosevelt's head, I think we'd be a lot more productive!"
It's Raining Homophobes
What is up with all these gorgeous neocons just screaming to be yanked from their closet neurosis?
by our resident masochist, Neil Cavuto
First it was Karl "Papa Smurf" Rove. Then came (oh, I'm so naughty!) that sexy devil Jimmy Dale Guckert (alias Jeff Gannon, sometimes known as 'Deeper Throat'). On his tail (meow!) was Jay Bob Klinkerman, the sassy Denverite who chased three lefties out of 
Spokane mayor
James E. West
a Bush townhall meeting.
Jay Bob is often
confused with
Jeff Gannon.
Now we have the sultry mayor of Spokane, Jim West. He's the recently outed cutie who's done it all, from molesting young boys
to giving away government jobs to the, ahem, top bidders. And he's a mayor (or, perhaps, "gayor" would be more accurate).
Oh, I bet he'll just smack me for that one! ;)
Novak Begins Counterpoint Without Ad Hominem Attack
Blames slip-up on failing Dentu-Grip®
Tucker Carlson has no idea how much he's missed these days.
"Ushed ta be," enunciated CNN's top conservative ideologue, Robert Novak, "he'd shpread tzhe grlue alrl overlr my gdentchures djusht b'fohre we'd go on gthe air. I'm tchruly losht widthout him."
Al "Putzhead" D'Amato Calls Reid's Insult "Uninspired"
Calling the president a "loser" predicable, lame
Al D'Amato
Al D'Amato knows an insult when he hears one. He ought to; defamation is his finest talent.
So when Senate Minority leader Harry Reid (D - NV) called George Bush a "loser," D'Amato had to laugh. "My three-year-old granddaughter could've come up with something better," he chuckled. "I mean, Bush is no putzhead, but he's a lot of other things. Idiot. Dumbass. Crook. You get the idea."
Miller Shakes the Joy Out of Yet Another TV Show
And he is outta here.
Dennis Miller is on his way to becoming the all-time biggest television show loser. His newest disaster, 'Shaky' Denny Live - Pig Ignorance in the Pretentiously Hyperphrenic Blanket has been discontinued, and has taped its last episode.
Entertainment analysts blame Miller's unmatched failure rate on two key idiosyncasies. The first is Miller's affinity for wildly embroidered descriptions of painfully simplistic views. "He takes twelve minutes to explain what an amoeba already knows," remarked one critic. His other shortcoming, say critics, is his philosophical inconsistency.
"Nonsense," says Miller. "Can't a guy express a pragmatic liberal conservative Republican libertarian common-sense point of view without catching more flak than the entire fleet of scantily-bedecked B-17 Flying Fortresses stationed in Britain and operating under the 'Mighty Eighth' Air Force during World War II?"
 You want a "Memo-Gate"? You got it. |
Just mention the secret Downing Street Memo, and Karl Rove cringes. "The liberal press isn't entirely in lockstep with us on this thing," complains the plump pundit.
The Downing Street Memo is a document definitively proving Bush and Blair conspired to fabricate evidence justifying the invasion of Iraq. A handful of news outlets, treacherously practicing independent thought, have dared to report the existence of the July, 2002 document.
"And I'm swamped!" complains Rove. "Being the only imaginative person working for the administration, the last thing I need is another scandal or gaffe to whitewash."
Indeed, Rove's burnout is beginning to show. His latest talking point, "John Bolton is unpopular because his anti-communist passions have frequently
gotten the best of him," is not nearly as creative as some of his past gems, like 
Rove is frequently
seen with white spots
on his uppermost chin.
the political assassination of
Dan Rather, or the "people who say Bush was AWOL hate the National Guard" talking point.
"What we really need around here is a liberal," huffed the plump homophobe.
Bolton Not Not Recommended
Senate Committee Solidly Ambivalent on Reckless Emissary
 Sociopath |
Speaking from his heart, Senator George Voinovich (R - OH, it's okay to flip-flop now?), a favorite of the CATO (have your Cake And eat it ToO)
 Explaining what zero plus zero equals. |
Voinovich's proactive inaction sent the matter to the full Senate for a vote, although Barbara Boxer (D - the Democrats' spine) has moved to block the vote.
Odd Noises Coming from Abe Fortas' Grave
Cemetery staff baffled
Workers at the St. Thaddeus Cemetery have been hearing some strange noises emanating from the spot where Justice Abe Fortas was buried.*
"It's like this whirrrr sound, and I could swear the ground is moving a little," said Tom Benton, afternoon security guard. "It mostly happens when I got the Sean Hannity radio show on, especially when Shemp's talking about filibusters."
Uppity Negroes Stalk Limbaugh
Chicago blacks invite Rush to a debate.
"Aren't they busy enough with all those blowjobs?" asked Limbaugh.
