Gov. Bush Smartly Refocuses on
Terri Schiavo
Still milking the Schiavo case for political capital.
Bolstered by GOP's phenomenal poll numbers, Jeb comfortably brings up controversial case again; entertains notion autopsy marred by conspiracy.
TALLAHASSEE, FL - Jeb Bush wants an investigation into the 1990 collapse that left Terri Schiavo disabled, and the amount of time her husband waited before calling emergency services to their home.
According to Bush, Mr. Schiavo lied about the night Terri slipped into a permanently vegetative state minor period of disorientation. Having testified on numerous occasions he heard Terri collapse sometime between 4:30 and 5:00 a.m., Schiavo has been caught in a lie: records show his call to 911 didn't occur until 5:40 a.m. that morning.
But critics say anyone could have been mistaken about the time, especially under such stressful circumstances, and at such an early hour. Bush passionately disagrees. "Just because he found his wife dying in the middle of the night doesn't mean he shouldn't remember precisely what time it was," said Bush. "It was only fifteen years ago, and Lord knows anyone who hates his wife enough to pull her plug couldn't have been too upset to note the exact time."
Political analysts say something else is going on. Convinced the medical community conspired with Democrats to turn Terri's autopsy into proof conservatives are complete morons, the pudgy patrician has decided to pursue revenge, they say. Jeb Bush, goes the argument, is frantically trying to ruin the widower who exposed Republicans for the political retards they really are.
But Bush denies the implication he somehow holds contempt for Schiavo. "I got nothing against that communist scumbag," he snorted.
Meanwhile, other politicians previously involved in the
 "Ann certainly responds to visual stimuli!" |
Dr. Frist, for one, is still wielding his medical expertise for the good of man. Currently assisting a Columbia, S.C. family whose fourteen-year-old Raggedy Ann doll has fallen ill, Frist has boldly diagnosed the teenager with a migraine headache, contrary to all other expert opinions.
"Most folks say she's dead, but as a doctor I can confidently tell you this pretty young thing has eyes that are wide open, and they certainly seem to respond to visual stimuli!" proclaimed Frist, adding, "did I mention I'm a doctor?"
Media So Distracted by Desire to Smear Bush They Almost Forgot to Report Downing Street Memos
For weeks, absent-minded, rabidly liberal journalists forgot to cover George Bush and Tony Blair cooking up "facts" to sell war.
LANGLEY, VA - The dangerously vast, left-wing liberal media machine has been so desperate to smear the administration they waited nearly two months before reporting the existence of memos proving President Bush and Vice President Cheney, with the help of Tony Blair, deceived the world during the build-up to the March 2003 invasion of Iraq.
A British source has confirmed to FOX News that New York Times editorialist Thomas L. Friedman recently snarled, "most of us would like to see Bush go down. In fact, I guess you could say we all suffer from a kind of hate-America-first tunnel vision. So much so," continued the loopy writer, allegedly, "we blindly sat on this explosive story for almost two months before remembering to bring it up." Friedman reputedly then added, "I'd really like to get those guys (Bush and Cheney)!"
Proof of the sad state of affairs in American newsrooms doesn't stop there. Ron Reagan, another hate-filled liberal journalist, is apparently in disbelief he and fellow radicals dropped the ball on this one. Obviously enraged by the knowledge he and other lefties neglected to inform America its leadership is more corrupt even than Nixon, Reagan putatively declared, "Bush is a Nazi! Anyone who supports him is a white supremacist, penis-envy having, simple-minded, closet homosexual!"
Contrary to the
 Brit Hume |
Senate to Lament Inaction on Phony Iraq War in 2064
Remorse for lynching delays important work; stolen 2000 election apology put off until "sometime around 2050."
 The Senate hard at work |
"The apology will be long overdue by that point," remarked Senator Bill Sessions of Alabama, "but that's the way we work best."
By that point, most experts agree, even the dumbest of Americans will realize how the 2003 invasion and subsequent occupation exacerbated an already volatile anti-American terrorist base.
"In sixty years - when our children can look back and compare the terrorist rates of the early 21st century to those of the late 20th (century) - there won't be much else to dispute," said Sessions. "Except, of course, for Darwin."
Republicans Trot Out Their Own 'Deep Throat'
Party whose leader won 2004 election based on "moral values" not too moral too accept porn queen's donations.
Mary Carey, porn star and one-time California governor candidate, went to Washington this week to participate in a Republican fundraiser. "It was, like, totally gnarly and stuff!" snickered the buxom bimbo. Raved Jeff Gannon, "she gave Karl (Rove), Dave (Dreier) and me some really good pointers."
Rove, Carey, and Bush
Americans too Stupid to See Through Liberals' Condescending Bullshit
GOP looks for a way to convey to dipshit citizens they're not smart enough to recognize mainstream media's liberal bias
The war in Iraq is losing support. Bush's approval numbers are falling. Polls say over 90% of Americans are concerned about the Downing Street Memos.
Has the GOP lost its way? Newt Gingrich doesn't think so. "Obviously most Americans are too stupid to make up their own minds," shrieked the soporific soprano. "They're being brainwashed by the media."
Gingrich will appear on Hannity's show Friday, to contrast the GOP's straightforward message with the aloof Dems' flip-floppity mish-mash of moral relativism.
Bush Doubles Peanuts Pledged to Africa
Graciously allots a one-time payment of 1/20th the cost of Iraq occupation so far to entire continent of Africa
"Some people say money's not the answer," groaned Dick Cheney, "but anyone who doesn't think money's the key to everything hasn't fed from the trough of a big-government military industrial complex before."
Skeptics question the policy of thoughtlessly throwing money at difficult situations, but Cheney 's not worried. "They can go fuck themselves," he belched.