FOX News: The Most Powerful Smell in News.

Bush: Social Security Weakened by Worthless Treasury Bonds
Which, incidentally, are backed by the full faith of the American government,
and would make a great investment for those wary of the unpredictable Stock Market.

Bush, slowly milking
a lose-lose situation.
(Washington D.C.) George Bush's taskmasters have basically left the intellectually comatose neocon to his own devices. Having no more elections to steal for the taut-minded Texan, Rove, Cheney, and their underlings have decided the president can pretty much say and do whatever he wants these days.

So it comes as no surprise Bush spent the majority of his Thursday evening press conference waxing utterly idiotic. First it was his insistence - during a press conference precipitated by his pathetic poll numbers - he doesn't cave to poll numbers.

"Deeper Throat,"
reminiscing about
Ari's magic wand.
Following that, the swaggering swindler punctuated a desperate push for his energy bill by stressing no singular, immediate act can affect the energy crisis (although the "magic wand" metaphor had Jimmy Dale Guckert, a.k.a. Jeff Gannon, a.k.a. "Deeper Throat," on the edge of his seat).

But the stupidest step Bush took all night was the one that lodged one of his ill-fitted Texas Lucchese boots in his own mouth.

Referring to the U.S. government-issued Treasury Bonds upon which the Social Security system relies, Bush said, "they're useless, worthless IOUs. Those pointless, little scraps of paper are bad - like them notes Hanoi Jane passed to them chink enemies all them years ago."

But a few minutes later it was all many of the journalists present could do not to laugh out loud. Responding to folks' reservations about investing in the stock market, Bush said his plan included provisions for citizens to invest solely in Treasury Bonds. "They're backed by the full faith of the American government," he stupidly chuckled.

"Even being as timid as most of these guys are," said NBC's Brian Williams on the condition of anonymity, "it was all they could do not to laugh at that one."

No, Seriously - I'm a ~~Liberal~~ ~~Pragmatist~~ ~~Republican~~ Libertarian
Why Thomas Paine knew better than name his book, "Common Ranting"
By guest columnist "Shaky" Dennis Miller

"Comedian" Dennis Miller
(R - reject), more shaky
than a chihuahua on crack.

Talk about your mid-life crisis. Mine doubles as a mid-career crisis, cha-cha.

These days I don't quite get the kinds of gigs I used to. No more can I demand top-dollar for dropping in on Bill Maher's show. No m�s does Lorne Michaels think I'd be "well-received" during an SNL cameo. Relegated to pitching last-millennium-technology dial-up internet services, calling in to obscure radio shows for chump change, and hosting a crummy show of my own on NBC's twelfth most popular cable channel, I've hit bottom, man. Sweet Jesus, at least I hope this is the bottom.

But I'm not in denial about it. Quite the contrary, babe: I embrace it. I'm the Kirstie Alley of political pastries. I've got pumpkin-sized ideological love handles, and I can't seem to shake 'em off. And believe me, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's vacillating.

There's an important difference between Ms. "Look Who's Scarfing" and myself: Kirstie wasn't force-fed all those triple-stuffed pizzas by a confused fanbase.

Yes, I'm pointing my finger at you, babes. My drooping popularity is founded upon your misplaced assumption I've somehow become a partisan hack for the right wing. Apparently a guy can't call Michael Moore "everything I detest in a human being", or call out liberals for their frequent usage of the term "Nazi" (while altogether neglecting to acknowledge the even-more careless usage of "commie," "pinko wack-job," and "femi-Nazi" by people like Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity) without being labeled a Republican. Go figure.

But nothing could be further from the truth. I, and by extension my material, am not a Republican. I'm a Libertarian. I'm for freedom, liberty, self-determination, and anything else that looks really good on paper. Aside from my cheerleading for the war in Iraq, I've not supported a single Republican, nor his batty ideas, in years. I'm not a pundit; I'm a comedian - and a pretty cerebral one at that, if I may say so myself.

Quite frequently in my nonpartisan routines I address the intellectual conundra all men encounter in the bedroom. Like knowing whether of not his lady has climaxed. Call it converse-vicarious projection; these routines are based on my own mental growth spurts. I mean, at nearly 50 years ripe, babe, I've finally come to realize what no man in his 20's, 30's or early 40's could even hope to grasp.

As mysterious as sex itself, the woman's climax is finally an open book to me. Bow to the middle-aged master of oviparous proficiency, fellas. At long last you've met someone who actually knows whether his woman has come. Say good-bye to those decades of mating myopia, you 20-something, 30-something, and early 40's-something men! Not only do I have the goods on the big "O," I'm a comic; I can both inform the 40's-and-younger men of such esoteria, and make it funny.

So you see, my routines know no ideological bent. Unless, that is, you wish to argue the sexual awareness of ~~liberals~~ ~~pragmatists~~ ~~Republicans~~ libertarians like me is as delayed as Farrah Fawcett's touchy stick-shift Maserati at a blinking red light.

That, my friends, would be the shakiest argument I've heard all day.