"It's not 'Global Warming' threatening man. It's much scarier than that. Tiny computers, invading our bodies, like germs on hyperdriven steroids" - James Inhofe.
(Washington D.C.) You won't hear it from Dan Rather's trembling lips. It won't be spotted within the latest edition of the New York Times. Mainstream news outlets have been entirely averse to reporting it. But Senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma isn't about to bite his lip.
After reading Michael Crichton's PREY, Inhofe is worried about the rising level of sophistication in Nanotechnology, computer science on a microscopic scale. Says Inhofe, these minuscule machines pose a threat to man's global dominance.
Having learned about the threat from one of Crichton's most successful novels Doctoral Dissertations, Inhofe presented his case to the Senate. "These tiny machines are alive," warned the tranquil pragmatist, "and sooner or later they'll mutate into mechanoviruses, invade our bodies, and take over the world!"
America's mainstream media pelts the public with "Global Warming" headlines, Inhofe told FOX, instead of the factual-sounding Crichton story thesis. "Traitors! Endangering man's God-given dominion over Earth!" exclaimed the calmly unhinged sensationalist.
"Dr. Crichton, who we've recently nominated for a Nobel Prize, proved 'Global Warming' is a hoax," alarmed Inhofe, "but lefties pretend his work isn't scientifically valid! His books have been read by millions of sci-fi fans. If that's not 'peer-reviewed,' what exactly is?"
Can Buy Me Love
Miller fails to fulfill "I'll respect you in the-morning" promise; Stewart binges on half-gallon of Häagen Dazs
Using his smoothest lines ("I'm not a Republican, cha, I'm a libertarian!"), Miller slid his way right into Stewart's nutless britches on Wednesday night's The Daily Show. After bingeing for hours Stewart dropped quietly into seclusion before reluctantly returning to record the following day's show.
The owner of FOX News has thrown down the gauntlet.
Reacting to charges his prized possession, the FOX News Channel, has a Republican bias, owner Rupert Murdoch proclaimed, "we're no more biased than NewsMax, the New York Post, or Rush Limbaugh." Murdoch, who feels he's beyond such accusations, is moving on to broader horizons.
Rupert is quite the lady's man.
"We're moving into the internet thing now," chortled the decrepit director, "and we're already out-distancing the competition!" Citing his top-notched programmers, Murdoch promises his internets will be immune to the kinds of personal attacks and political satire so rampant in cyberspace nowadays.
"Anyone fucks with me," he chimed, "and I'll screw him just like my ancestors did those poor, Welsh sheep!"
On a related note, Tom Delay
 Tom Delay |
Jarhead President Names Jarhead General for CJCS
Yes-man Marine gets payback for helping to bury Abu Ghraib scandal
General Pace, seen here glibly explaining the college-type horseplay of American soldiers to an unappreciative liberal media, finally gets his just desserts. "Semper Fi!" belted the wiry warmonger, "and Bush knows it."
 Zapatero |
 Joseph Lieberman (R - Connecticut) |
"He should exercise his spine at least once a year," cautioned Dr. Paul Garoppo of the Mount Sinai Hospital in Hartford, "and it wouldn't hurt if he stuck out his
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Dr. Garoppo is not alone. Most medical experts recommend Lieberman refrain from bending over backwards to accommodate those who fundamentally oppose his constituency, stooping to political pressure from the right, and "taking it up the ass."
"He's not only killing his political career," admonishes Garoppo, "he's killing his electorate as well."