(Vatican City, Italy)   Even though recent history and common sense suggest the prosperity of ambiguously gay white men among the Catholic Church's hierarchy is second to none, you wouldn't know it from the looks of Pope Benedict XVI.  True, these past few years of overly observant "journalism" and disturbingly invasive "fact checking" have left the Catholic Church under the weather, but it turns out Cardinal Josef Ratzinger is just what Dr. God ordered.

A rugged, yet delicately limp-wristed lily of a geezer, Benedict XVI is, in terms of his moral stances, as conservative and consistent as George Bush.  And he showed the competition as much.

Out-scoring his opponents 2-to-1, Ratzinger easily slid his posse into the semifinals, where, despite stiff competition from Bernardin Gantin of Benin, he easily balled his way to the top: the championship gala.  Held in Vatican City, and doubtless the most matronly spectacle of faux-machismo patriarchy, the final round was easier than Ratzinger thought.