 Delay's passionate "friend" Jack Abramoff  Delay and outed GOP homosexual David Dreier |
"It's his fault we got caught!" whimpered Delay, who FOX News managed to catch on his way to an all-expenses paid vacation to the Playboy Mansion. According to Delay, Abramoff, an emotionally frail man whose name routinely served as bully fodder during his miserable childhood, caved under pressure and "ratted" Delay out.
But Abramoff has a different story to tell. "He's up (a figurative river)," explained Jack, "and I'm loving every minute of it."
Don't blink, because you may have just witnessed the only time FOX News will delve into this political parable.
Earlier this week FOX News Channel tried to catch up with Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum for a brief interview about his possible bid for president in 2008. Apparently, however, Santorum is a busy, busy man.
Last week he was busy coordinating with Bill Frist. The week before he was occupied with helping one of only 35,000 families with a vegetative relative," an aide told us. "And this week he's doing important stuff with small business interests."
Champion of the small man in negotiations.
Politically correct with politically incorrect attitude.
(Arlington, VA) The man who changed elite Republican guard to Death Squad Enforcers, who transformed American Soldier into Liberator, who glossed a sanitary term like "transfer tubes" over the horrific description "body bags," who turned torture into the "excesses of human nature," and who once made a public episode of self-satisfaction seem like an apology has done it again: from now on, Exit Strategy will be known as Victory Strategy.
Secretary of Defense Donald "Rickles" Rumsfeld admits his capacity for linguistic acrobatics goes against a well-established Republican mantra, but he bristles when compared to liberals. "Is there a difference? Yes, there is. Goodness, let's see how I can explain the distinction. Liberals are PC, but they're always nice. I'm PC, but I'm as belligerent as I can be about it."
Belligerent, indeed. An independent study conducted by the FOX News Channel confirms journalists attending DOD briefings are less likely nowadays than at any time in the past to ask anything but softball questions.
"Helluva way to get things done, ain't it?" scoffed Rumsfeld. "Good gracious, it used to 
be that reporters would occasionally tell the public something we didn't want to be known, or they'd ask someone in my position about the unknown knowns and the known unknowns. Never mind the known knowns and the unknown unknowns. They wanted the tough answers."
Thank goodness Rumsfeld has intimidated today's press into asking about and reporting on just the already-knowns.
 Bush easily wins military crowd's support. |
Although he just passed a bill cutting veterans' benefits, President Bush showed he still has a lot more balls than brains Tuesday by speaking at to a crowd of soldiers at the notoriously liberal Army installation Fort Hood, Texas.
Not surprisingly, the crowd did not protest his appearance, despite Bush's "low approval ratings."
"He's my boss. What the hell am I supposed to do..." asked Staff Sergeant Paul Thompson, "not attend the (speech)?"
Mom Out-Patriots the Competition
Jingoistic display earns her major award.
Judy Dahl was recently honored as Denver's "most patriotic mom." A big fan of George Bush, the mother of five boasts of an undying support. "He's sent us to fight the enemies who attacked us on 9-11. That's important."
Dahl has no immediate family actually in the Armed Forces, but she assured FOX a man from her church has a "cousin, or a nephew or something" in the Navy. "It's multi-lateral, so they're needed too."
(New York City) The only thing Shemp Hannity hates more than hypocrisy is people who paint with broad strokes.
"Every liberal I've ever met is forever doing that," says FOX News Channel's second-most popular pundit. "They always, always do it. All the time. Doesn't matter when or where."
Corollary to this personality defect is an aversion to ambiguity, explains Hannity. "There's absolutely no such thing as a 'gray area' for a liberal, period," snorted the habitual harrier of hard-nosed hubris. "And for that reason I've decided to use a part of my radio show to discuss some of these gray areas. Consider it a free teaching of educational information and knowledge, at no price whatsoever to the consuming user."
The first gray area Mr. Personality discussed was the phenomenon of young adults acting out, but not actually following through with, sexually promiscuous behavior. "Like in the case of (a famous politican's daughter) being videotaped doing the 'butt dance.' Clearly it's a minor incidence, so on my show I thought about it, and finally decided to examine, and, you know, talk about these types and kinds of harmless, victimless behavior on my show," added Hannity.
But liberals call Shemp's discussion of the matter a superficial attempt to lessen the blow of what could be a political disaster for (a famous politican). Most of these liberals allege the existence of a videotape of (famous politican's) daughter doing the "butt dance." And that is
 Alan Colmes |
Alan "Token" Colmes, part-time liberal and punching bag for Shemp, broke it down this way - "when that video gets out, the self-proclaimed moralists in the (major political party) will have egg on their face. But now Hannity can act as if it's not that big a deal."
Hannity calls the insinuation "ridiculous."
