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SECOND ANNIVERSARY OF staged JUBILATION
FOX remains dedicated to force-feeding dupable readers concocted fables.

Photo by Ted Sampley.
The April 9, 2003 toppling of Hussein's statue
in Baghdad square generated scores of
spurious celebrations. (Photo by Ted Sampley)

Remember to support and watch FOX News for continuous political disinformation, unhealthy ideological glurge, and a delusional sort of evangelical hubris.

Clinton Should Just Shut Up About the Pope
Calling the head Pontiff's legacy "mixed" is uncalled for
by Bill O'Reilly

Okay, so here's the deal. All right?

This Clinton guy, the other day, he decided he wanted to blather off something rude about the Pope, alright? Know what I'm saying here?

Well, you know me. I'm a mellow guy, but what Clinton said was not very kosher. Know what I'm gettin' at here? All right?

What he said was that the Pope is going to have a mixed legacy. Can you believe that? The gall of the man to stand there and say such a thing.

Now LOOK: at least Clinton didn't call the guy a villain or a "Saddam enabler" or anything like that, okay? He didn't fly off the handle and call Pope John Paul the second some dopey thing like a wild-eyed liberal looney. Know what I mean?

But the very fact that he said something negative about the Pope - to me - says something about the man. Know what I'm sayin'?

Now LOOK: Clinton's just come through a couple of tough surgeries, I know. I mean, I've had a dodeca-tuple bypass procedure done on me, all right? Just last week. But you don't hear me whinin' do you? And the fact that I just went through dodeca-tuple bypass surgery doesn't make me run around, bad-mouthin' the Pope. Got it?

So here's the deal: Clinton, you screwed up, and I'm callin' you out. If you don't apologize for this one, at least stop running off at the mouth about things you got no clue about, all right? Just shut up about the whole deal, mmkay?

Two Queens Tie the Knot
GOP attack dog weds longtime boyfriend
In a related story, Prince Charles and Camilla Parker
got married earlier today in Great Britain.

Morally resolute, ideologically consistent Republican antagonist Arthur J. Finkelstein married his longtime homosexual partner in a private ceremony in Massachusetts last week, according to FOX correspondent Jimmy Dale Guckert.

Many close to the story suspect Finkelstein's mate is ~~Patrick Donohue~~ John Smith, the man who owns an anti-Hillary Clinton website called StopHerNow. When reached for comment ~~Donohue~~ Smith refused to confirm or deny the rumors, but did say the wedding ceremony his party is fighting so hard to make illicit was a quiet one.

Finkelstein, self-loathing homophobe.

"We, that is, they wanted to protect their privacy," he said. "Radical, left-wing, flag-burning, American-hating homosexual liberals demand -- and usually get -- a modicum of privacy!" snapped Smith. "And so I . . . they feel strongly that level-headed, America-loving, flag-waving, red-blooded conservative homosexuals should get some privacy too."

Finkelstein and ~~Donohue~~ Smith have recently faced heat for their anti-Clinton website. Designed to launch Swift Boat Veterans for Truth (sic)-like smear attacks against Hillary Clinton should she decide to run for President in 2008, the site was ~~Donohue's~~ Smith's brainchild. "Poopsie, er, I mean, Arthur asked me to do it, and he's a real top, so I had no choice in the matter."

We attempted to contact Finkelstein about his wedding and website, but he couldn't be reached. We were told, however, after several drinks he usually admits he'll never again be able to look at himself, sober, in the mirror.

Science-Hating Liberals Kill Noble Experiment
Looney lefties spoil EPA's humane effort to test pesticides on babies.

Stephen Johnson

Appropriately called CHEERS (Children's Environmental Exposure Research Study), the exhilaratingly imaginative program former administrator Mike Leavitt left behind at the EPA is now in its dying days. The program that rewarded impoverished mothers for subjecting themselves and their children to pesticides is what some goodie-two-shoes call "atrocious."

With an unmistakable sense of superiority, know-it-all activist senators Barbara Boxer of California and Bill Nelson of Florida stood before God and America herself and decried CHEERS, a major step forward in the GOP's renewed interest in science. Boxer and Nelson placed a hold on Johnson's nomination, and insisted the program be shut down.

Todd and Tim Watts
were early CHEERS
participants.

"It's truly inhumane," said Johnson, "it's cruel-hearted. Keeping me from becoming the EPA's next administrator is sick, sick, sick."

Despite the uproar by liberal politicians, British sources have told FOX News many in the Beltway are in complete agreement with Johnson.

For example, White House senior advisor and chief coupon-cutter Karl Rove says, "it's as if these people (Boxer and Nelson) have no scruples whatsoever, doing this to Steve." Texas senator John Cornyn wondered if Boxer and

Crystal Matthews is
said to have "loved"
the smell of Raid�.

Nelson might be kidnapped or murdered due to their actions. Ari Fleischer, touting his book "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" (not to be confused with Bill O'Reilly's novel by the same name), suggested the Democratic senators should watch what they say. And House Majority Leader Tom Delay lamented the fact no one involved in CHEERS died. "It would have been a real gift from God," he said.

Stephen Johnson, on the other hand, is considerably upbeat about the situation. "At least

Larry the Lobster
boy calls Boxer and
Nelson "losers" for
criticizing CHEERS.

I got the job. And we stopped (the CHEERS program) before the liberal media could get ahold of it and turn it all around as if it was a bad thing," he chirped.

"It is a real shame, though," added Johnson, "because for the last time the Lord's grace smiled on His ungrateful children."

STATUE OF LIMITATIONS

TILL DEATH DO THEY PART